The Great Cave Brawl
by bigbluebuttonman
Summary: Kirby stumbles into a cave and encounters a wild Muffet. Brawling ensues. (On request from another named Barbacar). Nothing in here is owned by me, it all belongs to the respective owners of any and all characters/items/settings/etc. This Kirby is also the Kirby from the games, just so you know.


**Notes: This story was made at the request of another person (Barbacar), so I finally got to it after a while, and hopefully, it's good.**

 **Enjoy the read.**

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Kirby was strolling through the webbed, sticky floor. Like glue, they cobbled up on his feet, restricting his movement. Harder and harder he pressed on, but he could not walk any further. Fear gripped his heart.

If he did not pull out of the trap his foot was currently wrapped up in, he'd... He'd...

 _Starve to death._

In a matter of hours no less.

No! That can't happen. He's Kirby, he's beaten robots the size of planets, although with the assistance of the Halberd, and white blobs that bled through their eyes, also with assistance, and again... Also with assistance. Huh, he's had a lot of that. Well, there was Magolor and Sectonia.

...

Crap, those actually had help too.

Well, a little does go a long way, who can resist giving a hand to a ball adorned with a coat of brilliant pink? Besides, he'd murdered a third of dreamland's population on his "quests" to "save" dreamland from the clutches of evil beings. And merely by eating them, what a glutton.

As our adorable puffball struggled ever more against his silk bindings, laughing could be heard, echoing throughout the interior of what appeared to be a cave. Whose could it belong to? It was revealed when our mysterious cackling figure slowly descended from the top of the cave. Why, the laughing belonged to a spider with six arms, the great and powerful Muffet, whose name rhymes with the word crumpet. Do spiders eat crumpets? Particularly ones of her size? Eh. The spider, as tall as Kirby, looked on almost seductively at the poor ball of pink's misfortune.

The spider slid down till within several feet of Kirby's location. She lit a cigar, a fat cigar, a cigar larger than Kirby himself. My, my, that is a _fat_ cigar. The cigar was made of soft silk, and nesting in the comfy, burning object were thousands of spiders. Muffet put on her best gangster face, but it was utterly ruined by the cigar, as she retained the appearance of a small baby sucking on a bottle of milk.

A spider crawled onto her nose and began to dance. Kirby laughed.

Oh, that was the last straw. With one swift motion, she unbuttoned her backpack, and sliding out of a container stuffed into the pack, was six grenades. M67 grenades! What is a spider doing with US military equipment? Using her fat cigar, she attempted to light them, but to no avail. The damned things were broken, how dare those sleazy, camouflaged scammers do this to her. Oh, they'd pay, their tanks will never move from their spots once she's done with them.

She tossed the grenades with all her might at the cave's ceiling, jostling the pins off of the explosive devices and rebounding them to Kirby's feet, the grenades sinking into the ground ever so slightly.

Ignoring them momentarily, she pulled out proper equipment this time. Six spherical objects, six readily available fuses. Kirby knew his fate was sealed, preparing for death by oversized black bombs in similar scale to bowling balls.

Just before she could begin her act, _boom_ , the grenades went off, shredding the webbing that strapped Kirby to the floor, launching him upwards.

Kirby, blackened by the explosive fireballs and not dead much to his perplexed state of mind, regained stability, puffing himself up with air from the surroundings.

Muffet was less lucky, with her cigar now lit in places in shouldn't be. But worse yet, she could hear the screaming of spiders in the cigar, with nothing to put out the fire or prevent its slow spread across the object. She mentally cursed herself as she cut off the inflamed portions of the cigar. But she took advantage of the increased heat of the cigar, quickly setting fire to each fuse of all of her bombs, juggling them as Kirby tried to fly away.

Launching them, Kirby turned around to face the barrage, a flak bombardment he would not be able to withstand, unlike his close encounter with the grenades.

Kirby took the initiative, sucking all of them in and swallowing the Kirby-sized objects _whole_. Soon, Kirby's body went through the magical transformation known as puberty- I mean, the transformation when he's copying an ability, yes. Topping off his head was a party hat, a stark contrast with Muffet's bare head. She grew jealous.

Muffet mentally screamed... How was it all going so wrong? First, the grenades failed to do their job, then they suddenly work? Those things had cost way too much money, she sold her private mansion just to get six of them. Then when she resorts to reliable weaponry, the ball just eats them and grows a hat? What lunacy was this?

Kirby, before he landed back down onto solid ground, bombed the area below him to avoid snagging any unwanted webbing. He eyed Muffet with intent and awaited her next move.

She pulled out twelve bombs, he can't suck the explosives up this time, can he? In truth, he couldn't, but Muffet was unaware. She started the process all over again, light 'em and lob 'em. Kirby retaliated with a furious salvo of his own, repeatedly launching explosives of similar size and caliber, colliding them with Muffet's volley. However, for Muffet, it took time to reload, and her cigar was now only half of its proud self, split by a ring of bright, lit webbing, separating milky white web, and a charred, black tip. The spiders had all migrated to the intact areas.

Pink Norris capitalized on this weakness, launching an even greater barrage at her time of vulnerability. Muffet had no means of defense, no method of blocking the bombs. But she could dodge, wait, no, there was a better solution.

She promptly launched a rope of silk up to the top of the cave's interior, and reeled herself up quickly, narrowly missing the high explosives. Kirby narrowed his eyes, he couldn't effectively fight in the air. The only option was to bring her back down to him.

Remembering the cigar, Muffet cut her losses and swiftly removed the black and fiery bits to prevent exhausting her main ignition source. She rearmed with twelve more bombs, but this time aimed for a patch of rock above her, and just in front of her. Right above Kirby's head.

The patch shattered into hundreds of large, lethal chunks, downward shrapnel for our little pink hero. Kirby was cornered, they were too sparsely dispersed over his area and too densely packed to avoid. No amount of explosives could save him, and he couldn't execute his plan with them in the way, moments from crushing him.

He needed... _The big guns_. With his star phone, he called upon his ride and made way with a daring escape. Swiveling and swerving from left to right, he left the previously inhabited area, chalk full of rocks, in the dust as he flew through the entrance to god knows where.

Muffet pouted. He just ran away? How cowardly. Whatever, she could just-

Kaboom.

The whole cave top in front of her spontaneously collapsed, and the spot she clung to gave way, leaving her careening towards the ground. She cut her silk rope and shifted herself away from the path of debris that was previously home to her feet.

She recollected herself and...

What in the world was lying before her eyes? The form was slumped, practically sitting. It looked like the ball of pink, but with large arms almost as long as the main body was tall, yet floating in the air. In fact, the whole body aside, from the feet, floated on air, arms detached from the body, both them and the legs just inches from touching the torso of the object. It was also completely metal, rivets holding the pieces together, the main torso resembling the pink ball's head.

It was incredibly tall to boot, double her height.

However, the coloring was off. Kirby was pink, this was red, with arms that lacked hands, only tubes at the hand punched with holes on some parts, flame patterns painted onto the metal thing. What confused her most was the head, which took the place of the torso and had a hollow cavity on top of it.

She had no idea what kind of a brawl that she was now in store for.

Kirby re-entered the area, walking with a cocky smirk towards the large metal body in front of her, goggles on his head, part of the pilot's cap he wore. Kirby jumped headlong into the cavity, grin only widening as the machine whirred to life, now standing proud, even taller than before. The mech was currently thrice Muffet's height. The six-armed spider was afraid now, she hadn't counted on this turn of events.

Although there was nothing to fear, the machine puffed smoke and promptly broke down shortly afterward. Kirby's chagrin was over nine thousand now, and he could not claim victory without this beautiful, sexy piece of weaponry.

He took out his wrench and bashed the control panel furiously, and it booted back up again once more. He'd learned that from his mum. Always bash the crap out of machines with a wrench if things don't go your way.

Kirby regained an ecstatic mood, it had only taken a moment to snatch the mech, even if the machine had a few kinks to work out. He'd used it a million times before, and another enemy standing against him wasn't anything to worry about. After the battle was said and done, he'd be having roasted spider for dinner.

Muffet was frightened, on the other hand. She flung several bombs Kirby's way, detonating on his mech, but inflicted not a scratch. Kirby wasn't so lucky, blackened once more by the blasts, and extremely pissed that his luxurious shade of pink was obstructed by the awful black. His luscious shade of pink was meant to mesmerize and trance. It can't when it's covered up by soot. He scowled and yelled gibberish her way. It served only to confuse the spider.

Kirby, fully armed, did not slouch around, immediately placing the nozzles of his weaponry to the ground and lighting the webbing with which Muffet stood on top of. Muffet screeched loudly at the sight of so much fire, much of the blaze inches from her face, causing near instantaneous bouts of sweating from the sheer heat.

She jumped back away from the fire, the two opponents now separated by a distance of almost one hundred feet, Muffet unwilling to get even fifty feet close to the monstrous being in front of her. Her cigar was super heated, but not completely on fire, waves of relief washed over her only to be doused by a torrent of hot flame enveloping the whole thing.

The screams of her precious spiders filled the air, yet she could not fully process what had just happened, the only thing she was paying attention to was the fact she was nearly caught on fire.

She threw the cigar down and jumped back once more. Muffet realized she underestimated the range of that thing. She eyed the cigar in sadness but was given no time to rest. Before she knew it, the mech was already overhead, about to crush her with its feet. She did a barrel roll, avoiding the mech that came crashing down. She had no idea how to fight back, no tools that could even dent the armor. Unless...

Unless she didn't have to. Kirby was still exposed, and the mech's appendages could easily be strung together by a silky, encasing web. He still had a weakness that she could, and would, exploit. Yes, this was her chance. She ran around and spun her webbing, wrapping the legs first, followed by the arms.

Kirby protested vehemently, spouting more gibberish, trying to break free of the bonds holding his mech in place, moving every lever, pressing every button. It didn't do squat and Muffet finished by cocooning the whole contraption with webbing, pilot and all. It was done, over.

She was victorious.

She created a top hat and mustache out of her webbing and proceeded to dance all over the battlefield, a portion still alight. She spun, laughed, an orchestra of music and a harmonious, gracious dance following suit of that spin. This behavior continued. Even when her grenades had failed her, even when robots the size of a house chased, even when things were just plain weird, she had emerged in one piece.

If only she'd heard the hissing coming from behind. By the time the hissing was truly noticeable, it was too late. She turned around to face the large, webbed up machine. What had once been an egg-shaped cocoon, was now just an undulating mass of fire. It did not move, but the silk burned away, revealing the fully intact mech standing atop burning silk. Kirby was pissed.

Kirby, sick of this fight, opened a menu on the touch screen in the mech's cockpit, being presented with 13 options in the form of multicolored star-shaped icons, coupled with text underneath naming each:

 _Beam, bomb, cutter, ESP, fire, ice, jet, mike, parasol, stone, sword, wheel._

But among these options, only one stood out.

 _Spark._

The smile on his face was completely and purely sadistic.

Spark mode was not in the least bit survivable if you were on the receiving end.

He smashed his stubby arm onto the icon as if bringing a sledgehammer overhead to shatter the screen. A loud beeping noise quickly filled the air, signaling Muffet's approaching doom.

Muffet, during this whole process, was confused and scared silly. She had nothing to defend herself with, how could she compete with the mech before her, still alive, no options left? Any explosives on hand might as well have been duds, she couldn't light the bombs without going to an already lit patch of webbing on the ground, to which Kirby would surely intercept and snuff out her chances of getting even one bomb prepped for use. Her webs had been proven completely useless.

Wait a minute, she remembered the exposed cockpit. She might not be able to damage the mech, but she could damage the pilot. Wait, no spiders or webs would be able to actually defeat the ball of pink. He was still as tough as ever. Pink Norris would simply eat anything she threw directly at him, and from the way he copied her abilities when she first encountered him, she didn't want to take the risk of merely making him stronger than he already was.

Incapacitating the enemy was the only course of action that remained in her repertoire. Her last shot of living a long, healthy, lung cancer filled life.

A cigar that fat won't leave your innards unscathed.

She stopped her train of thought to focus on the enemy, who was now undergoing some serious changes, witnessing them as her ears were filled with the sound of a painfully loud beeping noise. The color of his vehicle changed as energy trailed up from toe to head, bathing the mech with a new neon-green hue. The robot gained a purple, shiny visor and the arms split in half, with a metal rod below each arm now raised above the cockpit, angled so that the fist pointed at a nearly 45-degree angle upwards.

The beeping stopped at this point. If it weren't for the torso's shape, it'd seem like an entirely different device was facing her. There was still one unchanged aspect, nonetheless. A pilot with the intent to kill.

Kirby searched his cockpit for the lever that controlled the charge of energy between his rods, finding it after a quick scan. He pushed it all the way forward, as a big red button revealed itself as a case popped open to show the fire control button. Charging the machine fully was necessary before engaging in further combat, as any other charge would probably just damage her, instead of fully eliminating her.

Seeing the ball scramble around the controls, flicking switches with focus, intent, and a hint of fear, she acted fast, stringing a small web and quickly sling it towards Pink Norris' eyes, blinding him. Kirby wailed and screamed, he stubs grasping the sticky materials in vain attempts to expel the webs clouding his vision.

Muffet took the opportunity to simply run away, scrambling backward as fast as her legs could carry, panting and grunting from the exhaustion of battle. She didn't make it far, though, as Kirby quickly flung a ball of webbing at the back of her head, alerting her to his reacquired sight. It was really over this time.

Muffet had distanced herself to the point where she was unable to string up another incapacitating web and pitch it in Kirby's face again, not like it'd work a second time when he'd seconds ago previously learned of the tactic.

The mech itself was only 10% charged, and it was quickly garnering more energy for his finishing blow. Kirby had little patience left, diverting all energy and resources to charging the blast, removing restraints installed to prevent overheating or overloading. He'd re-instigate them once he'd finished her off, the mech would break down in strain over long periods of time with limitations cut off, but not in a relatively small engagement such as this.

Finally, 15 seconds later, the blast was now charged up to 100%. The energy crackling between the rods began with just sparks in between, growing into a huge energetic concentration of electricity the size of the mech itself, obscuring Kirby. The visor allowed him to see through the gathered lightning and at his enemy, as he adjusted his aim accordingly.

During this time, Muffet theorized that his next attack would likely be too wide and fast to jump or roll away from, thus merely hanging her arms in defeat. She was finished.

Huh? What's that? She looked behind her to see the remains of the cave still intact, a ceiling above. It was shredded into half of its former glory, a jagged edge on the cusp of crumbling into a thousand different pieces, but still there. She shot a line of webbing to the top of the ceiling, at an area relatively stable compared to the rest of it, and reeled herself in. The mech would not be able to angle its shot at her when she was so high up, would it? Probably not, she assumed, so she could still escape after he missed her!

In reality, it was no use. Kirby could angle the blast, and he did.

Pointing the rods upward, Muffet ignorant of this, he remembered a show he'd watched a long time ago about puffballs with unusual strength, heroes from alien planets who could turn gold on a moment's notice. In particular, one character loved to scream a five-word phrase before unleashing energy blasts from his hands. His inner fanboy began to cry tears of joy as he finally connected his doomsday attack to his favorite show's most iconic move. Kirby, upon making the link, started to...chant something. In a cute, squeaky voice, but still chanting.

 _Po...yo...po...yo..._

Muffet heard the chant, shifting her head downwards, where she noticed the rods pointing directly at her. She'd miscalculated.

POY!

It was in an instant. There was no warning or premonition of the incoming energy blast, it was just there, blasting her, when he smashed the big red button in, unleashing his ultimate, furious blue wave of electricity, that was, for all intensive purposes, just an incomprehensibly strong laser beam.

Muffet had no idea what was going on, just that she was in ungodly amounts of pain, it felt like every cell in her body was on fire and that she was personally experiencing the pain of each one. It dragged on for eternity, no end in sight.

Pain, light, horrifying pain, dazzling light, all around her.

Then, just as fast as it came, it disappeared, and she was left with inky black in the wake of the blast.

...

...

...

Was she dead? She thought so. Muffet felt her muscles stiffening, unable to move any part of her body. Arms, legs, even fingers. Just nothing. Wait, her head and neck. She could move it, slightly, but she could. She pivoted her head so as to get a clear view of her body and assess the damages in detail, but all she saw was black. Was she blind?

No, she could see. Little blinding lights all around her and one humongous one slab dab in the middle of it all. She was somewhere. Not in the underground, but somewhere. She tried to turn her neck once more, but it only budged bit by bit. Many seconds of excruciating pain later, she found herself glimpsing a large green and blue marble, mostly blue, with green patches all over it.

It was just the weirdest, most chaotically shaped green patches she'd ever seen.

Only now did she realize she was staring right at the planet she was moments ago home to.

Her eyes filled with wonder at the large sphere before her. What a sight. A smoke would make it all a perfect feast for the eyes.

She waded around aimlessly, sending millions of brain signals to her burnt out arms. It was painful, arms slowly assembling a mass of silk for her to spin and weave. As she took the webbing and spun it into the desired shape, a metaphorical ton of bricks hit her head at the speed of sound.

There wasn't a single heat source around here to light the cigar. Not a bare hint of one.

Crap.

Off in the distance, a figure loomed, before waving at Muffet. It was a human. The human had a blue and white baseball cap comfortably sitting on his head, with a tan shirt and blue pants.

 _Hey... Hey I'm telepathically communicating with you._ The human, very soothingly, said, or did he think that? She wasn't sure.

 _Hi, I just got beaten by a ball of pink._ Muffet stated with frustration in her voice.

 _That sucks. Hey... Do you mind if I tell you my life story? There's four parts to it._ The human stated.

 _Sure, why not?_ Muffet replied.

 _Okay. So, I was only nine years old. I loved Shrek so much..._

 **END**

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 **Author's notes: So I hope you enjoyed the story. As stated, it was upon request from someone. In case you don't know why they're fighting each other, it's because he requested a battle, so I just wrote the story about the battle. No explanation. He could be fighting because she stole his burritos or something. And as you can tell by the end, Muffet is gonna be one traumatized spider.**

 **Anyways, that's that.**


End file.
